From the Simple Marriage Archives.
It’s really not all that difficult to ruin sex.
If this is your goal, simply follow these suggestions and you’re sure to wind up in a barren, sexless marriage that’ll allow both of you to feel isolated and alone.
Sex is easy to mess up due to the feelings often associated with it being so vulnerable and tied the core of who we are.
Our sexuality is affected so easily by self-esteem, emotional insecurities, pressures, criticisms, and expectations.
So to effectively ruin sex for your spouse, follow these steps:
1. Expect sex simply because you’re married.
Every marriage partner should fulfill their marital “duty” therefore they owe you sex. It’s one of the benefits of being married. They said “I do” to you – so they should “do you.”
2. Have sex the same time and place every week.
This way neither of you will have to wonder when or how sex will occur. “Saturday night – 9:30 p.m. in the bed.” Just like clock work – who really wants spontaneity and chance when it comes to their sex life?
3. Follow the routine each time.
Be sure to follow the same steps and plays each time. It’s way too much work to come up with different things to do together. And after all, variety and spice aren’t necessary for sex, right?
4. Be sure to be intoxicated so you can loosen up.
After all, sex is really only about you. If your drinking is a turn off to your spouse, tough. If they love you then they’ll just have to get over it.
5. Only touch your spouse with the goal of sex in mind.
Who really needs non-sexual touch? Save the hugs, kisses, holding hands crap for the build up to the deed. That way your partner will clearly know that sex and touch go hand in hand. No chance for missed signals or misunderstandings. How great would that be?
6. Skip the foreplay and go straight for the gusto.
In the fast paced world we live in, who really has the time to slowly build up to great sex? It simply takes too much work to bother with all that extra stuff. Stop wasting time and get right to the intercourse. Besides, you both have to work in the morning and need your sleep.
7. Keep your clothes on during sex.
There really is little need to get completely naked during sex. It simply adds more work afterwards because you have to get dressed again.
8. Criticize your spouse’s sexual performance.
It’s called tough love. How else is your spouse supposed to know the areas they need to improve? If they are going to keep up with your abilities in bed they need to know where they suck (oh wait, encouraging them where and what to focus on would improve things, so disregard this point).
9. Criticize their physical appearance.
As your partner ages and perhaps lets themselves go, be sure to inform them how much that turns you off. This will encourage them to do something about it, which only helps both of you in the long run.
10. Have sex with the TV on.
You want to be sure that you don’t let sex get in the way of your favorite shows. Keep the TV on the entire time, that way you can watch the latest American Idol’s hopes get crushed while celebrating the love and affection you share with your spouse. What a winning combination!
11. Answer the phone during sex.
You never know if the call may be important, and you really can’t trust voicemail. The same rule applies for text messages and emails. Reply to them ASAP, after all, you don’t need to use your hands during sex, might as well send a few texts.
12. Tweet about it (or post to Facebook) before, during, and after.
In our social media saturated world, be sure to let everyone else know what’s going on with your sex life. After all, if something happens to you and you don’t Tweet it or update it via your status on Facebook – did it really happen?
13. Get sex over with as fast as possible – as long as you’re satisfied.
Sex is really all about you. No need to ask your partner if there’s anything you could do for them. Assume everything is fine unless they say something.
14. Get away as fast as possible once you’re finished.
The sooner you’re done, the sooner you’ll be able to get some sleep. Save the talking till tomorrow at breakfast. And no need to cuddle or touch each other, refer back to rule 5.