Steve meets Michelle.
They fall in love and get married shortly after graduation.
For our story Steve is the high sex desire spouse and Michelle is the low sex desire spouse.
Early in their marriage, Steve’s always raring to go. Anytime, anyplace, the more the better. Which, by the way, is part of a lie about what constitutes good sex in our culture.
Michelle likes sex with Steve, at least in the beginning. He’s spontaneous, adventurous and full of energy.
His desire helps her feel free and alive, like tapping into something sexual deep within her. But, she’s still unsure who she is sexually (incidentally, so is Steve, although it looks like he isn’t because he more closely fits a cultural norm.)
Life as newlyweds wears off, although it too has provided another level of pressure through the perceived perception others have of their “happily married couple” existence together. Maybe kids have entered the picture, or they’ve struggled to have kids but can’t, either way, things begin to change.
Steve is still the high desire spouse and wants sex any way he can get it. But Michelle begins to prefer routine encounters, usually focused on Steve because she’s feeling a little bit used but is in a bind of trying to appease him so he’ll back off a little, or at the very least stop begging.
In doing so, she sets her inner sexuality (i.e. her desires, identity, and pleasures) aside in an attempt to relieve the pressure from her husband. In fact, between the pressure from Steve and the stresses of her daily life, she sets it aside so much that she forgets she has it and even begins to believe she never did.
Meanwhile, Steve doesn’t mind routine sex with Michelle. Certainly not enough to hold out for something more. After all, it’s sex! And sex makes him feel less alone, even though he has to resort to pleading and guilting his wife in to it.
This leaves him in a real bind. Because this isn’t just about horniness, contrary to popular belief, because actually he’d give up his very soul for sex, and now does so regularly. This happens because he not only accepts, but eventually begs for less than what he really wants.
Now we’re not talking about biological drive – we’re on to something much deeper. [Read more…] about Bad Sex Can Be Good For Marriage